On Body Image — A High Note

Growing up I had the luxury of living with my old school grandmother who loved to cook. She cooked most if not all of my meals. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, hell snacks, all cooked and served by grandma. In fact, my love for food was born between her hands and pots and pans. Grandma was and is no joke in the kitchen. But regardless of my love for food, it didn’t consume my childhood. I was no different from other neighborhood kids because I went outside and played every day faithfully. I played after school and until the street lights came on but for some reason I wasn’t as thin as the other kids. From a very young age I was ridiculed about my body by what seemed like everyone, so-called friends, uncles, aunties, cousins, and even grandma — like she didn’t play a huge role in my eating habits. My mom would tell me “sticks and stones baby, sticks and stones”. Nonetheless those words hurt like shit and they stuck with me for the longest time.

My eating habits only worsened when my mother and I moved north at the start of my middle school years. I was in a new place and I had no friends so to cope with being mostly alone, alongside all of my other hormonal feelings — I ate. Food felt and even still feels like euphoria. It was and has been my comfort throughout the years. I don’t care what anyone says, french fries don’t judge. By the time I was in the seventh grade I was definitely overweight, but I was lucky enough to carry my weight in most of the right places. Shout out to God for the t and a.

But, in the seventh grade was also when I developed Hidradenitis Suppurativa, a skin condition not directly associated with being overweight (I now know) however, my doctor at the time felt otherwise. Instead of running tests, finding more information, or taking my pain seriously I was made to feel like I was being punished for being bigger than the “standard”. That doctor sent me home with a topical cream and the advice to lose some weight. Yup, that’s right. I was given little to no help and a topical “solution” for an internal condition.

For years the same b.s. went on. Any and everything I was concerned about was directly associated with my weight. So, after so many times of being brushed off and ignored I decided that if silence was what they wanted, then alright. After all, everything was my fault for being fat or at least that’s what I was made to believe. Although I didn’t hate my body every day I constantly felt defined by numbers and how many x’s came before the l in my clothing. I even obsessed about my butt being larger than my stomach to ensure that I would be considered thick. If I couldn’t be skinny, I’d at least be somebody’s favorite thick chick.

Fortunately for me, over time my mindset shifted. While I cannot pinpoint when the shift in my mind actually happened, I’m at least grateful that it did. One day I decided that instead of always fighting to confine my body into the box society wanted me to fit in, I’d love the shit out of it. My body is worthy of loving both in spite of and despite what this world thinks it should look like or be. My body is worthy of my love because it is a part of what makes me, me. My body is worthy of all of my love because it’s the only one I’ll get. With that being said, I have openly decided to embrace my body. My embracing goes between loving myself as is and making healthy decisions with my body in mind, because it's a priority. Now, no one decides what is and is not best for this body except for me — the owner. The person who has to get up and lay down with it every day for the rest of my life.

Yes, I'm on my India Arie agenda for this body. My body. My home. My temple.

On a high note, I didn’t realize just how dedicated I was until I told my trainer last night, “Make me look like Beyonce, no f that let’s just get me to a healthier me, the best version of me”. Do you know what that is?

So with that being said, put some respect on your body sis. Not solely because it's the only one you get but because it's worthy of all the love you so freely give everywhere else. Ok? Amen.